“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
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Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
This is enough internet for the day.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.