“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
We need to put an American base on the sun
my favorite genre of twitter
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT