Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn