“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”