“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
There’s only one good girl here!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
good work, everybody
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.