“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You Might Also Like
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
technically true but not a great slogan
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: