“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
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Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Never ghost your hitman.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this