Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
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cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors