Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?