@SamuelHlowe: Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said "Dada!" Wait, why is he using air quotes?
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@Discourt: My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn't let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
@darrinfb: I want my ashes scattered when I die. I don't like people visiting me now.... I'll be damned if I want visitors when I'm dead.
@iwearaonesie: toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed] wife: Do something me *takes phone out to record it* wife: Do something else