@SamuelHlowe: Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said "Dada!" Wait, why is he using air quotes?
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@daemonic3: [bank] Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN! Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I'm a joke Robber: No I mean- Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
@Sarcasticsapien: [walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.