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@SuperheroFeed: Oh my god
@ericsshadow: My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
@CornOnTheGoblin: me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what's a "roblery"
@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@realHamOnWry: The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument
...the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
@omically: saying "we won" after watching a sports game is like saying "we played really well" after watching a concert