@SuperheroFeed: Oh my god
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@KeetRidley: "Hey, your fly's down" Oh shit.. *pets fly's head* you'll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we'll get you some new wings
@joeldanger: I enjoy visiting countries where I don't speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
@DanMentos: [terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"
@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?" -- "SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!" -- "SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?" -- Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."