@SuperheroFeed: Oh my god
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@iwearaonesie: If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you're staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell "My eyes!" BEFORE she starts changing
@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@Bandersnaaatch: Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
@ch000ch: Look at all of these beautiful horse "Horses" Horse is already plural "You're thinking of elk" *stares off* Holy mooses, you're right