For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
greetings!
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.