“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Life hack
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.