“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
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My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses