OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I have questions??
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
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A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.