OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I ate everything, including the H.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey