“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
incredible book dedication
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.