“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me