Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.