Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
What if the weather talks about us?