@Zwolf666: Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.
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@therealeatwood: ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary. BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?
@sumpeoplelikeit: If you ask me where your glasses are, and they're on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
@cjwerleman: When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
@ImABaconDonut: 5: I went potty. Me: Did you remember to wipe this time? 5: No. Me: Why? 5: It's faster my way. I don't know how to counter that argument.