Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
You Might Also Like
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!