Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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Do not steal food from the science building!
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence