Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in