“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example