@IamEnidColeslaw: OH MY GOD THE INSPIRATIONAL TWEETS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
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@ArfMeasures: ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun COP: Was it a revolver? ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
@inmynewskin: Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.
@zacharyflynn: If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
@zwina_summer: Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he's on his way home from work.