My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
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I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.