I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
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My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.