“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
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*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.