“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Ghost costume 😂
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.