“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.