“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
You Might Also Like
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.