@seejayel: Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
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@Deurb1: While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver... She asked if I had orange juice. We've been dating since.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: "FOUR MORE YEARS!!! FOUR MORE YEARS!!!..." - Honey Boo Boo's teachers her senior year of high school
@nocturnology: Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
@MatCro: Me: "Aw, your baby is cute. How old?" Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?" Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."