Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
mumsnet is amazing
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
March 16
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere