Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes