Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
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I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I think this should do it.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
🙂🐾
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.