Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
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lost dog
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Become ungovernable.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.