@MollyERA: "Oh no I left the easy bake oven on" *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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@InternetHippo: 911 OPERATOR (female): What’s your emergency GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
@funnyortruth: Friend : "I wasn't that drunk!" Me : "Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming "YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!"
@daemonic3: [at Waldo's trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
@moooooog35: The 7-yr old has the flu so I'm letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.