“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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We need to put an American base on the sun
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*