“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Catercrombie & Fish
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.