Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
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Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
secret recipe
*orders delivery*
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
new record!
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Florida be like…
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..