Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
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if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?