“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.