“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER