@WeissBrandon: Oh no sir, that shark wasn't attacking me, my wife was yelling at me from the shore so I was just trying to swim into his mouth.
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@MollySneed: [tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved? [me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." Friends: "No thanks." Enemies: "Also no thanks."
@bridger_w: When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence