If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
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I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken