Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
You Might Also Like
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.