Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec