Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
We’re all getting idioter.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks