@Ideal_Victoria: Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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@iwearaonesie: me *sees wife's cheesecake* future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door* me *already eating it*
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it? ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
@stonedcognition: These cat babies are straight up gangsta. I'm going to name them all after Friends characters. The one I hate will be Ross.