Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I see your IQ test came back negative
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship