Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Autocorrect is my menesis
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out