Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
my dog when i have a friend over
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
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