Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
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thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
got so much cardio in today
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though